Wednesday, May 30, 2012



JESSE: None of us owned a car the entire time we lived in Florida. The rest of the guys all bought bikes. I, having never learned how to ride a bike, decided to save my money for more lucrative things, like going to the movies and buying CD’s. So, having no choice but to walk to all of my destinations, I began to quickly lose weight. This resulted in me being able to breathe easier, which was quite nice.
Anyway, as you may or may not know, to get a job at a lowly grocery store in Florida one must go down to some designated clinic and piss in a cup. When the gentleman at Winn Dixie first told me this I began to unbutton my pants right then and there, unsure what exactly he was talking about. He told me to zip up, but to do it slowly, then handed me a pamphlet and pointed to the address where I was to take my piss test. I thanked him and was on my way.

Once home, I told the others about this crazy situation and asked if any of them would like to accompany me on my long walk to the clinic. Joe and Dar declined, citing school as their excuse. I looked over to Jeremy and batted my baby blues. I could see Jeremy's mind turning like clockwork and could picture what he was thinking. We would be like that Warner Brothers cartoon where the little dog hops around the big dog, gabbing a mile a minute. I would be jumping around him throwing out obscure topics and annoying him to tears until he grew tired of it and pushed me into oncoming traffic.

 Jeremy ended up making some flimsy excuse and I quickly saw that if I was to make this trip it would be alone. I headed to bed early because I would need to get up at the crack of dawn to walk all the way to the clinic.

Now I won't go into the Florida weather again. By this point, if you don't know it's hot you haven't been paying attention. I will, however, go into how fucking far this clinic was. I can only guess to the length but I'm saying about five miles by foot. I know what you're thinking: “Pussy. I run that everyday”. Well, fuck you, skinny ass. I was huge and the walk was excruc...ex...exc...really fucking hard. I felt ready to pass out every step of the way.

I finally arrived at the clinic with 64 ounces of Dr. Pepper in my hand. I signed with the receptionist and presented her with all of the file information that Winn Dixie had provided. She told me to have a seat and they'd get to me.

I took a seat, assuming that my wait would be long, but no sooner had my ass hit the seat she called my name. That’s when it accord to me that I didn't have to pee. On the entire walk here I had slurped down the Dr. Pepper and kept grabbing my crotch to control my piss impulses. Here at the clinic I felt dry as a bone.

I knew that I had to go in and let it shine. So, I stood up straight and went to task like a man should. I followed her through the door. She handed me a cup and explained the procedure. I would go into the restroom and fill the cup to a black line. I would then bring out the cup. I was not allowed to pee in the toilet. I was also not allowed to wash my hands until after handing her the cup.

I took the cup and went in to do my business. At first I didn't think the flow would come. Yet, once I whipped it out I was peeing like a champ (all right, sidetrack here: How exactly does a champ piss that make him so special?). While this was going on I noticed that the black line was approaching fast. Too fast.

I went into a panic. I had a ton more pee and it would definitely surpass the line. I wasn't allowed to do that nor was I allowed to pee in the toilet. I hit the line and I was able to hold it for a second. I had to keep going but what was I going to do?

I looked over at the sink and figured “what the hell?” After letting the rest of it flow into the sink I let out a sigh of relief and, zipping up, put the cap back on the cup and opened the door.

The nurse was waiting for me. I handed her the cup without opening the door fully. She looked at me, pleased with my performance. She then smiled and said, "If you still have a little more in the tank feel free to use the toilet."

I smiled big and informed her I'd do just that. I then slammed the door, ran over to the sink, and turned on the hot water. I let it flow to clean out all the piss and then washed my hands. After all that the nurse said I was free to go.  I walked home knowing my piss was clean. So, now my worries were done. Halfway back I had to urinate again with no restroom in sight.

JEREMY: When Winn Dixie finally caved in and gave me a job it was my turn to make the long journey to the clinic. Not being sure where exactly it was and having no clue as to the lay of the land, I asked Joe if he would accompany me. Joe, apparently not having anything better to do, agreed and guided me like the star of Bethlehem.

I always manage to screw something up whenever I have to go out into the world and interact with normal people. I made two on this particular day. The first was that I forgot my State ID back at the apartment. There was a long line of people at the clinic. I didn’t want to give up my place so I asked Joe if he would mind riding his bike all the way back to our place in the boiling afternoon weather, retrieve my ID, and then ride all the way back. Joe, being the swell guy that he is, made the grueling trek with nary a complaint. I felt bad for putting him out of his way for my own dumb ass oversight and bought him lunch afterwards as repayment.

As I sat filling out the required paperwork I nursed on a large bottle of water and did my best to will my bladder into producing the necessary waterworks. Joe returned in record time, breathing hard and sweating profusely. He handed me my ID and I turned it in along with the paperwork. As we waited I told Joe through gulps of water that I didn’t feel like I had to use the bathroom. Joe said not to worry, that by the time they called my name I would most likely—

“Jeremy Riley!”

Damn! I hurriedly drank the remainder of my water, hoping that it would induce the loss of bladder control, and made my way to the desk. By this point the nurse had called my name several times and looked annoyed. She handed me a small cup and told me to go into the restroom and fill the cup to the black line, which, to my horror, was situated an inch from the cup’s rim.

Here’s where I made my second mistake of the day. Having never taken a piss test before I naturally assumed that the nurse meant that I had to fill the cup to the brim or else they would not be able to perform the drug test and I would be out of a job before I had even started it. So with that extra weight on my shoulders I slunk into the men’s room, positioned myself appropriately and, with every bit of concentration at my disposal, willed myself to piss.

I was so stressed over the fact that I didn’t have to pee as well as the fact that I had to do so or else fail the test, that all I got was a quarter of a cup full at the most, and that was just by sheer willpower alone (my body also probably absorbed every ounce of liquid I put in me after being in the sun all day).

I became angry with myself and mentally yelled at myself as was my custom at the time. As far as I was concerned, by not being able to piss into a cup I was letting the group down. Your father was right! That little black voice in the back of my head screamed. You are and always will be nothing but a waste of oxygen!

I clenched my stomach muscles and did everything I could to produce more urine but all I got was a few lousy drops. I was contemplating running the cup under the faucet when there was a knock at the door and the nurse said, “Jeremy? Jeremy, we need you to come out now.” This was immediately followed by howls of laughter from everyone in the waiting room, Joe foremost among them.

Well, to say I felt ashamed and humiliated at this point would be an understatement. All I wanted to do was press myself into a corner and disappear from existence. But, since I had about as much chance of doing that as I did of going through an entire day without making myself the butt of a joke I stepped out and handed the cup to the nurse. I stated vehemently that I had tried to fill the cup to the rim but my stupid body refused to cooperate.

The nurse told me that what I had was plenty and that I didn’t have to fill the entire cup. I wanted to shout, “Why the hell did you tell me I had to fill it to the line?” But I was too embarrassed to do anything but stand there with my head downcast, trying hard to ignore the whispers and snickering coming from the waiting room.

The nurse said she hoped the urine was still warm enough to get an accurate reading and then told me I could go. I marched out without looking at anybody, though I could feel their eyes on me and envision their smirking, leering faces as I passed. Joe fell in beside me, laughing his ass off and announcing that he couldn’t wait to tell Dar and Jesse about our little escapade when we got home. I really wished he wouldn’t but seeing as how he had been gracious enough to fetch my ID for me I figured the least I could do was allow him a story out of the whole sordid affair.



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